DWTS Season 11: First Dance

The wait is finally over! I am settled in on the sofa ready for what I fully expect to be the most awkward night of dancing ever televised.  All I need is my Bruno translator and my life will be complete. Sad, isn’t it?

Tom Bergeron started the show by calling it “the wildest cast ever!” Did I miss something? Sorry. I’m now focused on the dancing.

Couple: Audrina & Tony

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

I have no idea what to expect from this reality starlet. I do believe we should start a campaign to send her cheeseburgers. She’s awfully thin (I say without envy, seriously). She seemed a little stiff – like if you made your Barbie do the moves and she couldn’t bend her legs. She did smile and do enough shimmying to make her dress move. Also, extra points for her big hair. Not bad for a first time.

Len said Audrina danced with confidence and had good technique. He wanted it to be more feisty. Bruno said, “You look like a beautiful show pony that needs to be pushed to the limit and whipped into shape.” He said she has to be sexier and sharper and hold her performances all the way through. Carrie Ann said Audrina started with a solo and she was impressed with that. She said Audrina has the right attitude and right body for the show, but she didn’t feel them coming together. She also gave the first warning of the season about lifts. Audrina didn’t do one, but Carrie Ann said by jumping into the steps, that could count as one (big, fat no no for you DWTS newbies).


Couple: Kurt & Anna

Dance: Viennese Waltz

Wow! When he moves his arms, it’s like he’s fighting off tacklers! I hope Anna is never standing behind him when he does this move – he would knock her off her feet (not in a good way). When they were in hold, it was lovely. I wish Kurt would have looked at Anna a little more. Still, a nice effort for a first dance.

Bruno said Kurt is graceful and a natural. He said Kurt smiles, he’s light on his feet, but the footwork had potential to be great. Carrie Ann said there’s  potential. She said he has an easy connection with Anna and the audience. She called him graceful and debonair. Len didn’t like it. He said the dance needs grace, elegance and lyrical movement. He said the dance had little to commend. When Bruno jumped in, Len said Bruno should go to the Betty Ford Clinic. Bruno said Len has already booked it for the next 50 years. Huh? Len said he can only be nice to one person per week and Kurt’s already missed it and he shouldn’t hold his breath for next week. Wow. Len’s meaner than I am. Never thought I’d say that!


Couple: Kyle & Lacey

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

I cannot say a single thing about Kyle’s dancing without acknowledging Lacey’s uber-blonde hair. Why is she trying to look like Lindsay Lohan? Shaking my head. Now, Kyle’s dancing. Holy man heels! This kid is so much fun to watch! I’m so confident in him, I’m gonna say TOP FOUR! He played to the crowd while cha cha cha-ing across that dance floor. For a good time, call Kyle – to vote people, don’t be dirty.

Carrie Ann said she just fell in love. She called Kyle her first crush of season 11. She said he set the place on fire, then stood up and danced. Len liked it. He didn’t like the bit with the locker at the beginning of the dance. He said Kyle will need a different persona for next week’s quick step. Bruno said Kyle was like “an adorable, naughty little package full of energy and enthusiasm.” I was on board until he said he wanted to take Kyle home. Stop the creepy, Bruno. He’s just a boy.


Couple: Rick & Cheryl

Dance: Viennese Waltz

I’m gonna say this once and then try not to say it again: this man is gorgeous! I honestly don’t care if he can dance as long as he stays in the competition just to be eye candy. In fact, he may get my votes every week. No one said I have to be fair and impartial when recapping! Rick is so tall (6′ 7″), Cheryl got taller shoes. Um, unless they’re Lady GaGa’s platforms, she’ll never be eye to eye with Rick. He looked completely natural. His feet and his arms moved so easily and soft, like he’s been waltzing forever. And when he reached out, it was like 3-D as he nearly covered the whole ballroom. I’d put him int he top four, too! Not just for the obvious handsome reasons.

Len said Rick could be his twin that he lost at birth. OK. Len’s drunk. He said the height difference didn’t get in the way. He complimented Rick’s posture. He thought Rick did a great job. Bruno said he can’t wait to see Rick fight it out with Kurt in the latin round next week. Carrie Ann called him a fox. Good! Not just me sexually harassing the dancer. She was surprised. She complimented Rick’s posture. She said his lines had grace and elegance.


Couple: Margaret & Louis

Considering she nearly fell walking down the stairs at the beginning of the show, I decided to really lower the bar. Margaret took ballet lessons as a kid until someone said she was the fattest ballerina and she quit. So, she could be graceful. Oh, and the costumers put her in a colorful dress that covered her tattoos, so no body art watching for me. This might be the fastest waltz I’ve ever seen. Also, possibly, the angriest. She spun around with this crazy gold contraption and it covered her face at one point. What? Did she fall on purpose at the end? Part of the choreography? You know, because she’s funny? I don’t know. It was nice until that point. My inner Len says, “Less schtick!”

Bruno asked, “What the hell was that?” He said Margaret had a spiteful face like she was going to eat someone. Then, she went into something like The Last Airbender. He said that didn’t work. Carrie Ann said Margaret is a lovely and talented lady. Margaret and Louis said the covered face and fall at the end was part of the dance. Carrie Ann said it took away and was overly dramatic for the waltz. Len said he was encouraged at the start, then the Viennese waltz is inappropriate for all that funny business.


Couple: Brandy & Maks

Dance: Viennese Waltz

I had to watch this twice. I couldn’t get over how lovely Brandy was. She said this was out of her comfort zone, but she seemed perfectly at ease. I am impressed!

Carrie Ann said it was beautiful. She said Brandy has to be careful because she’s strong and hits her spots hard. Len said, “You can’t win Dancing With The Stars week one. But what you can do is make a fantastic impression.” He said it was fabulous. Bruno said, “I love the taste of brandy in the evening and after this I can have more and more and more.” He said Brandy was electrifying.


Couple: Bristol & Mark

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

Now I know Bristol’s occupation: public advocate. I will not call her Sarah Palin’s daughter anymore. I mean, she’s still the former governor’s daughter, but young Bristol has her own title. I’m rooting for her! I don’t like the beginning of the dance with the sitting on the stage. But once Bristol ripped that conservative jacket off to reveal her fringey red dress, I was on board. It was a little like a slow-motion cha cha. Also, the posing. Oh. No. It was not awful, certainly room for improvement.

Len said Bristol needs to loosen up a bit, but had good hip movement. Bruno said it was “virgin territory” (really). But he said Bristol shaked her hips like a pro. He said she needs to work on the performance and the focus and she’ll get better. Carrie Ann thought Bristol would be boring and she was wrong. She said Bristol has fantastic legs. She said she sees a future for Bristol.


Couple: Florence & Corky

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

OK. In case you missed it, Mrs. Brady showed her abs and her grandma bra on TV, comparing herself to “The Situation.” I hope my mom doesn’t start doing that! Now, I am worried Florence will have an intentional wardrobe malfunction at some point during the show. I learned from the rehearsal bit, Florence is cheeky and likes the expletives. She’s just like me! She has some fantastic legs! This was silly and fun. Also, slow. Just like I’d want my grandma to dance. I think. Florence is a performer. I don’t know if she’s a dancer yet, but I want more!

Bruno called Florence a spunky lady. He said she still has it – and he can see plenty of it. He said Florence looked insecure about the steps. He said she had plenty of face but needs to work on the technique. Carrie Ann said Florence had the time of her life. She said Florence lost a little bit of it. Len said Florence was entertaining. He said it’s easy to make a young, fit girl dance well, but what Corky did with Florence is incredible.


Couple: Michael & Chelsie

Dance: Viennese Waltz

Well, Michael made this look like one of his music videos – sans mullet. He did seem to have to stop and start over at a couple of points. It also looked like Chelsie was doing a lot of the work. Definitely room for improvement.

Carrie Ann felt like Michael allowed Chelsie to lead too often. She said Michael needs to smile more. Len said he though Michael had musicality and moved around the floor well. He said Michael needs to work on his posture. He said Michael got through it. Bruno said Michael was tight throughout. He said Michael lost his posture and footwork at times.


Couple: The Situation & Karina

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

I’m calling him by the name most of you know him so as not to confuse him with Mr. Bolton. The Sitch (what I’m calling him for short), only had six days to learn the dance. He better step it up or Karina will smack him down. What is the deal with the near-fist pumping? This ain’t no Jersey Shore! He was absolutely lost through much of the dance. I feel sorry for Karina. She might as well be dancing with a blow up doll. The Sitch is quite pigeon-toed. How he moved down the floor without tripping over his feet is surprising. Entertaining, but not good.

Len said he thinks The Situation has potential – he’s young and fit, but under-rehearsed. The Situation complimented Len’s suit. Len said, “Did I tell you you’ve got the guns but not the ammunition?” OOOH! Ballroom burn! Bruno said, “You’re gonna look like a jackass if you carry on like that.” Bruno said there is a sparkle that may or may not be talent, but only time will tell. Bruno said this was not very good. Carrie Ann said there is something there, but The Situation needs to ditch his 80s moves.


Couple: Jennifer & Derek

Dance: Viennese Waltz

The music from Dirty Dancing should make this an emotional performance. It got to Jennifer during rehearsal. How could you dance with Patrick Swayze and not miss him? I never danced with him (except for in my dreams) and I miss him! I never thought a waltz could be lovely, sweet and sexy, but this one was all that. At least it was from what I saw through my teary eyes. Jennifer was practically flawless – even if her foot did come off the ground at the end (doesn’t count if Carrie Ann doesn’t call it).

Bruno said, “Baby is back where she belongs!” He said it was a beautifully danced and acted waltz. Carrie Ann said something profound happened. She said Jennifer had a connection to what’s beyond and what’s hear. She said Jennifer is one of those things that gets better with age. Len said it’s a dance that suited Jennifer. He said it was a lyrical, musical dance. He wants to see how she does the jive next week.


Couple: The Hoff & Kym

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

Yes. I’m going with “The Hoff.” If I called him “David,” how many of you would know who I was talking about? During rehearsal, The Hoff said the challenge was having his feet keep up with his heart. At least he knows. Less than 30 seconds in and we have at least two white man overbite sightings. The Hoff did a lot of standing and shifting, not so much dancing. Some walking with toe pointing. The song said, “Sex bomb” and I thought, “Well, the song is half right.” I just wanted this to end.

Carrie Ann said The Hoff reminded her of the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer. She said he danced with his mouth more than his body. Carrie Ann said he needs to work a little more. Len said, “It’s never to early to panic.” He said it was entertaining. He said The Hoff has to up his technique and improve his posture for next week’s quick step. Bruno said, “We love The Hoff and the madness of it’s all.” He said it was like a “potpourri of insanity disguised as dance.”


A few notes about the first night:

  • All the scoring happened after the break. That must be torture for you people watching it live!
  • I’d like to give an Emmy to the tape keeping Brooke Burke’s dress to her body all night. This show could have quickly lost its family appeal – or at least led to a few discussions at home.
  • Who misses Edyta? Besides the guys? And me?

Tuesday, the first star goes home. Hmmm. I thought they all made it to week two? I think Margaret is most likely to go home. We’ll see. Santana, Daughtry, India.Arie will perform during the 8PM show. If my recap doesn’t fill you in enough, you can watch the hour-long recap show at seven or watch the show online here. If you want information on the songs used during the show, go here.

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One Comment on “DWTS Season 11: First Dance”

  1. I really admire Jennifer Grey’s tribute to Patrick Swayze on DWTS. Last night was just special. They got to dance to a song that is so iconic and it triggered great souvenirs.

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