DWTS Season 11: Ready, Set, Dance!

How do you top Nicole and Derek’s win last season? Apparently, the folks behind Dancing With The Stars think you do that by finding a dozen random “stars” to get tan and put on sequins in an attempt to dance their way into our hearts. Because I consider myself a professional sofa dancing judge (not that I’m dancing on the sofa – I’m watching from the comforts of my living room), I decided to put it all out there.

That’s right.

I’m going to predict how these contestants will fare without seeing them dance a single step!

Couple: Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani

The good: Audrina is used to pretending on camera. If you’re not familiar with this reality “star,” the cast admitted after it’s finale that it was – gasp – fake. The bad: I don’t think whatever acting classes Audrina has taken will get her to fake her way through a performance, unless Tony’s choreography isn’t too tough (and that won’t get her very far). And can we all please acknowledge what a trooper Tony is for being partnered with another reality star? I mean, he suffered through Kate Gosselin’s “dancing” for half the season! I don’t think Audrina will win, but I don’t think she’ll be the first one to hang up her dancing shoes.

Couple: Brandy & Maksim Chmerkovskiy

I was all set to consider Brandy a ringer, but then I looked up her videos and realized her moves are pretty basic – so basic, they’re like beginner steps. I think this singer will look great in her costumes. I think Maks will challenge her. She’ll have a fine stage presence. However, I don’t think Brandy will wind up in the top three.

Couple: Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas

Put your personal politics aside and acknowledge that this teenager is going to be WAY out of her comfort zone. I really want to believe Mark will find some way to get Bristol to move more gracefully than Kate Gosselin. I fear for any judge who’s too harsh as Mama Palin will reportedly be in the audience (likely unarmed, but perfectly capable of shooting a Mom Stare at the judges – don’t know what that is? Say something your mom doesn’t like then wait for the look!). I will root for this one to at least have a good time, but I don’t think she’ll make it further than the half-way mark.

Couple: David Hasselhoff & Kym Johnson

I know we’re not supposed to “Hassle The Hoff,” but I have no doubt he will be Captain Awkward. Take a look at these moves. His music video is loaded with the white man over bite and pelvic thrusts. If DWTS judged on that, no doubt The Hoff would be the clear winner. But the judges, in particular Len Goodman, want to see actual dance steps. And what does this show have against Kym Johnson? It seems like she almost always gets the guy who is old enough to be her father! If The Hoff makes it to the half-way point, it will likely be because his German fans have found a way to vote for him.

Couple: Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas

Here’s a story… of a lovely lady… who would have been a better fit on this show if it took place 25 years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mrs. Brady! But she’s dancing with the guy who last partnered with Cloris Leachman. Entertaining? Yes. Dancing? Not exactly. I just hope she does not break a hip – or anything else. One thing’s for sure: she will look lovely in her sparkly gowns!

Couple: Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough

I cannot promise that as long as Jennifer is in the competition that I won’t make a Dirty Dancing reference. That said, it’s been more than 20 years since that movie was made. I can’t imagine Jennifer doing these moves on a regular basis. I think it’s what she learned during filming and her partnership with Derek that will take her far in this competition. I can’t say she’ll win, but NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!

Couple: Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya

Athletes tend to do really well in this competition. Maybe it’s the footwork or the natural competitor in them, but for those reasons, I think Kurt will be around for a while.

Couple: Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer

According to his Wikipedia page, this kid is an actor and rapper. How will that translate in the ballroom? I have no idea.

Couple: Margaret Cho & Louis Van Amstel

Oh, where to begin? I think Margaret will crack a few jokes. I think I will spend more time trying to decipher her tattoos than watching her dance. I think she may be one of the first stars to say, “Buh-bye.” I just hope she doesn’t add a hand gesture.

Couple: Michael Bolton & Chelsie Hightower

Of this contestant I ask: How am I supposed to live without you? I mean, really? If I never saw Michael Bolton dance, I would not think anything of it. But now, by Tuesday night, I will have seen him dance – good or bad. It will be an image burned into my head forever. No matter what else he accomplishes, I will forever think of him as that guy who did that dancing show. I have a feeling it will replace my mullet memories of him. Maybe it’s because I don’t like elevator music, but I refuse to accept that this guy will be in the finals.

Couple: Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino & Karina Smirnoff

Ugh. This guy. I have watched just a few minutes of Jersey Shore and I felt like I needed an immediate shower. So, here’s hoping it’s all an act and that he’s a true gentleman. If he’s not, I have no doubt that Karina will put him in his place – which would surprise me if that’s in the finals.

Couple: Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke

Another athlete, another champion pro dancer. I am interested to see how the foot or so height difference factors in with these two. I think Cheryl will push Rick to go far in the competition. I think ABC might have been thinking about landing his ex-wife, Vanessa Williams (and new Desperate Housewives star) in the audience as a little bit of cross-promotion. Either way, I fully support this.

That’s what I think. I’ll be back each Tuesday and Wednesday with a recap of the performance and elimination shows. Feel free to weigh in on what you thought of the performances, my comments and anything else dancing-related in the comments section.

A final note: I haven’t loved ABC’s DWTS page for years as it’s often lacked the REAL content I want. It seems ABC has finally figured out you can’t just post clips of performances. They now have this page following the couples Tweets (perfect for those of you who want to know what the stars and their pros think but don’t want to join the Twitterverse). I’ll also keep an eye on the page to see that they list the songs used in the performances (this has been hit or miss). If they list the music, I’ll include it in my recaps.

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