DWTS Season 8: The Winner Is…

I figured this picture would not be a spoiler because, unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (with internet access – if you’re reading this), you would know by now that Shawn & Mark took that silly mirror ball trophy. Still, I watched the finale and have a recap of the show in case you missed it.

Warning: if you wanted a blow by blow of this two-hour show, you’ll be a little disappointed. I’m forwarding through some things (AKA – anytime Samantha Harris is talking or a rehash of the season). That’s how you get through the show in less than an hour!

Lady GaGa performed “Just Dance” with her own dancers. Know what surprises me? She’s not just wearing jeweled panties and a top. I might be dancing along while seated on my sofa. You’ll never know.

Here’s how the scoring works: viewer scores count for half of the total and the contestants have one more chance to schmooze the judges for three 10-paddles to surge ahead. And here are the standings:

1. Shawn & Mark

1. Gilles & Cheryl

3. Melissa & Tony

Len said it’s been the best season ever. He said the three best dancers are in the finals.

Belinda Carlisle & Jonathan Roberts did their salsa. It looks like she kept practicing – she wasn’t bad. Not great. Denise Richards & Maksim Chmerkovskiy did the quick step. It looked like Denise was counting. Didn’t miss her. Holly Madison & Dmitry Chaplin did the samba that once again had me afraid her boobs might come out and do their own dance. Her dancing did not improve. Her boobs stayed in the top (sorry, fellas).

Steve Wozniak & Karina Smirnoff did the quick step. How did he stay on the show for four weeks? People must have been voting for Karina. OK. I take that back. He was actually good – on Woz standards.

David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson did the Viennese Waltz. Was he bald before? I remembered him with hair. This was David’s best dance. I think he seemed more relaxed, probably because he wasn’t being judged (except by me). Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer did the fox trot. Glad they did this one. It was Steve-O’s best dance. He looked like a nerdy little gentleman. I never thought I’d say that about a guy best known for being a “Jackass.”

Now to the pro-dancer competition. Anna Demidova has a guaranteed spot on the show in the fall. And the world is safe from seeing Len’s bum! Much rejoicing! Proving she was worthy of her spot, Anna danced the quick step with Maks.

Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska did the jive. I don’t know if he has football knees or what, but he still doesn’t kick well. So I’ll say something nice: he seemed to enjoy the music. Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough did the samba. These two are so cute together. As Len might say, they’re even a bit cheeky.

Jeffrey Ross roasted the finalists. He called Tom Bergeron the best host in all of television – at least that’s what it says in his book. He says Bergeron in French means “Seacrest.” He call the judges, “Smokin’, Croakin’ and Flamin’.” He said it’s the first season that no actual stars made it to the finale. He said it’s not a “Who’s Who?” It’s “Who are you?” Of Lil’ Kim he said it’s tough dancing with a bullet proof vest, then said she was there for community service. Of Ty Murray, he said he was doing the “Brokeback Mambo.” Of Woz, he said it was cool seeing him do the “Nestle’s Quick Step.” Then he asked Woz if he took the bite out of the Apple logo. He said he’s like a chunky chipmunk. Belinda Carlisle: he loved the way she was dressed like a hooker from “Battle Star Galactica.” LT: sweating like Bergeron without a teleprompter. Steve-O: should have stapled his tongue to the judge’s table. Holly: every time the director yelled action, she started taking her clothes off. The finalists: The Underaged, The Unwed, The Unpronounceable. Gilles: are you French, Italian or bleu cheese. He brought up the “Sex & The City” movie. He said Gilles may not have had the largest role, but he had the biggest part. Shawn: I heard if you win ABC is going to send you to Disneyland, too bad you’re too short to ride Space Mountain. Melissa: wouldn’t it be ironic if she came in second on this show, too? Wow. Harsh and funny. Sometimes.

Lil’ Kim & Derek Hough did the jive. I’m not gonna lie. I would have liked to see Kim in the finals. No boobs popping out in this performance!  Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower did the lindy hop. It was fun. Ty still has his wooden robot arms.

I’m skipping the finalists talking about each other because, well, we’ve heard it before. Now, it’s the finalists last judging.

Couple: Shawn & Mark

Dance: Cha Cha Cha

This is my favorite dance these two have done! I wish the band was a little faster. It seemed like they were dancing a little slower just to keep with the music. They looked like they were having such a great time. OOPS! Shawn’s feet came off the floor. Carrie Ann will probably take off for that.

Len said he’s always been impressed with Shawn’s technique and precision. He said she came out and was fantastic. Bruno said Shawn is getting hotter. He said she went from cute to saucy and sexy. Carrie Ann said they underestimated her. She said she deserves to be in the finals.

SCORE: 30

Couple: Melissa & Tony

Dance: Samba

This was Melissa’s best dance all season. She seemed to let go of her ballet training. She was really good here.

Bruno said Melissa’s samba is appetizing and he wants second helpings – and thirds, fourths and fifths. He said her body is made for dancing. Carrie Ann said Melissa is a muse. She brought out the best in Tony and she’s come into her own. Len said Melissa has a great presence. He thought the samba was fantastic.

SCORE: 30

Couple: Gilles & Cheryl

Dance: Argentine Tango

Perfection! If the whole acting thing doesn’t work out, Gilles should become a professional dancer. Or go to Broadway. I don’t know if he can sing, but if he did it without his shirt, I hardly think anyone would care. Loved this dance!

Carrie Ann said Gilles is a special performer. He has sensuality and passion and an artistry that sets him apart. Len said Gilles has brought him the most pleasure. Bruno said it was an Argentine triumph. He said Gilles plays each step like an actor plays with words in perfect character to thrilling effect.

SCORE: 30

One last performance from Lady GaGa. This time, it’s her new song “Love Game.”

The third place team: Melissa & Tony.

The winner of the sparkly mirror ball trophy: Shawn & Mark. I’m happy for them but think Gilles & Cheryl might have been robbed. OH, ABC, WHY CAN’T YOU KEEP THE VOTING OPEN LONGER???

Congratulations to Shawn & Mark. I’m sure they’ll dance a few more times, then we’ll start counting down until the next season. That’s all, folks!

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