DWTS: Brooke Wins!

Let’s face it. If you didn’t know she won by now, you have been living in a cage without internet access. If that’s the case, you’re probably wondering what this “Dancing With The Stars” show is all about. Google it. Don’t know how to do that? Let me know in the comments.

My witty recap of the two-hour long finale follows the jump.

Watching the recap of last night’s show, I can’t help but think it would be cool if they did a “champion show” where the past winners can all compete against each other. I would love to see Brooke take on Kristi!

We get an update on Cloris Leachman. We see here in a box in her last outfit, false eyelash stuck to her cheek. She spins around and she’s all made up. She hits the streets to ask the common folk who they are voting for – it’s a fair split. Some girl says she can’t vote because she’s not a citizen. Huh?

Alicia Keys performs “I Need You.”

A “Best of Season Seven” piece runs. Then, we see the first three couples who were booted off. Jeff Ross comes back to do a quick step with Edyta Sliwinska. Ted McGinley and Inna Brayer do a fox trot. Kim Kardashian and Mark Ballas return for their booty-shaking mambo.

Misty May-Treanor and Maksim Chmerkovskiy return. Misty wants to get back on the dance floor. She says it’s been hard to watch. She wouldn’t name her favorite to win. Maks is rooting for everyone. Maks reached over and grabbed Tom Bergeron’s booty.

Rocco DiSpirito and Karina Smirnoff return to do their mambo.

Toni Braxton and Alec Mazo chat it up. They couldn’t dance because Toni had a minor surgery. She will be able to dance (and sing) on the DWTS Tour. It’s making a stop in S.A. so you should get some tickets!

Cloris Leachman and Corky Ballas perform their silly tango. Cloris was supposed to do a Broadway show, but it’s being canceled. I’m sure she’ll find work.

Susan Lucci and Tony Dovolani perform their paso doble. Maurice Greene and Cheryl Burke do their salsa.

Jeff Ross returns to roast the contestants. Here’s what he had to say:

  • I made DWTS history. I finished 13th on a show that normally has 12 contestants.
  • Cloris, was that even dancing? Your partner Corky dragged you around. It was like “Weekend at Bernies: The Musical.”
  • Doesn’t Brooke look great? Especially considering she gave birth to her 15th child three hours ago back stage. And congratulations. I hear Lance is the father. Maybe the baby will come out of the womb and the closet on the same day!
  • What can you say about Lance Bass that hasn’t already been said about Clay Aiken?
  • Warren, how do you dance 8 hours a day every day for three months and stay so out of shape?

Mean? Yes. But funny. No?

Cody Linley and Julianne Hough do their jitterbug. Tom doesn’t ask Cody a question. He (sarcastically) gives him some advice: Cheer up.

Len says Lance is the most improved of all the celebrities. Bruno says Lance is a risk taker. Carrie Ann says Lance is the sleeper. Len says Warren is light on his feet. Bruno says Warren can get the crowd going. Carrie Ann says when Warren winks at the girls, the ladies go crazy. Len says Brooke has the most fantastic dancer’s body. Bruno says Brooke’s biggest strengths are her technique and versatility. Carrie Ann says Brooke always rises to the complicated choreography Derek gives his partners.

Warren and Kym perform the hustle. I’ve said it before: the disco dances make me happy! This one was just as good as the first time we saw this – right down to the robot and moonwalk! Len says Warren may not be the judge’s champion, but he’s sure Warren is the public’s champion – he makes everyone smile. Bruno says he’s come across a few hustlers in his time, but Warren is the craftiest of them all. Then, Bruno did some dance. Carrie Ann says these two were too cool for school. She says they make everyone want to dance.

SCORE: 27

TOTAL SCORE: 80

Lance and Lacey perform the jitterbug. Hey! Lance kept his shoe on this time! This was fun and exhausting! Bruno says Lance has become a great showman. He says it was an uplifting tribute to the swing era delivered with panache and flair. Carrie Ann says Lance struggled with one of the lifts. She says they deserve to be in the finals since they never took the safe road. Len says he wouldn’t have believed that Lance would be in the finals early in the season, but he’s grown.

SCORE: 28

TOTAL SCORE: 81

Brooke and Derek perform the Viennese waltz. This is just as lovely as the first time they performed it. She gets a big ol’ standing ovation. Carrie Ann says Brooke is a star (and I believe she’s holding back tears). She says they deserve the trophy. Len says when he first saw this dance, he called it the dance of the season and nothing has changed his mind. Bruno says Brooke is the jewel in the crown of the grand finale.

SCORE: 30

TOTAL SCORE: 88

First elimination: Lance and Lacey finish 3rd. Don’t be sad. They’re on the tour!

Miley Cyrus performs “Fly On The Wall.” It was fun to see the judges dancing along to this song.

Now, it’s business time. The winners of that mirror ball trophy are: Brooke & Derek.

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